Last Will and Testament

Oh, for crying out loud, don’t get all in a fit. I’m not going anywhere. But I was talking with Gerrit and Anu earlier about being ready for death at any time, and while I would be fine, because I’d be dead, it would throw things a little out of whack for the rest of you. Also, it’s been a while since I really thought about anything introspective at all. So I’ve prepared this document.

First of all, my possessions and money. This is first, not because it’s important, but because it’s easy. I give them all to my family (Mom and Dad and Cheryl). They can do with them whatever they want. Maybe donate my clothes to charity, sell some stuff, etc. Whatever. It’s just things. Hopefully the money will be helpful too.

(as for my computer, my data is probably just gone. Good luck guessing my passwords. I use two main passwords, and they’re both nonsense. The one that is less secure is this: it starts with a spanish word related to a poem about raining coffee (ask Elda Borroni, my spanish teacher), and it ends with a number that used to be the combination to my dad’s bike lock. It’s on the fridge at home, but crossed out. The more secure password… good luck. Hire a professional, I guess.)

Second of all, my body. Hey, guess what? I’m not in there anymore! So if my organs are still any good, and someone needs them, for God’s sake, give them to them! Whatever’s left, I donate it to science. If neither science nor needy people can use my body, bury it in the ground, NOT in a big ol' casket. Let me decompose and give my nutrients back to the soil. Or whatever’s the least environmentally harmful. (I guess, if the laws don’t let you do that, cremate me and scatter my ashes on a ski slope.)

As for my “soul”, or whatever is left of me: I’m doing fine. I probably have ceased to exist, and therefore am not in any pain in any way. Maybe I’m in some sort of other world, in which case I’m probably better off. If you want to have a funeral, go for it, but don’t make it a traditional Christian funeral with all the weeping and sobbing and Bible verses and hymns. That just bores everyone. If you want to have a funeral, get together a bunch of my family and friends, and just have a party. Talk about me if you want, but don’t feel obligated to. If you want to be sad, be sad for yourselves, because you don’t have fun ol' me around anymore! Of course, that’s what you do at funerals anyway.

Anyway, I’m all right. I have only a few regrets:
1. I never “made a difference” in any huge way (everyone has this regret. it’s lame. sorry.)
2. I gave a speech once in front of my high school. It was pretty trite and meaningless.
3. I never fell in love. (I thought I did a couple times but I was just a dumb kid.) I hear it’s great fun!

But if you stack those three up against things that I’m proud of, or glad about, you’ll see why I’m doing all right. I wouldn’t say my life has been complete, but I think I’ve done an all right job with it so far. And it has been a good time!

Hmm. As for final regards, let me just say I love my family and friends very much. If I knew I were going to die, I’d call each of you on the phone or see you in person. But I’m not going to put my last thoughts to each of you in a blog here- that’s personal!

Finally, although it may be in bad taste to quote a heartless mass murderer, I’ll finish up with a quote:
“Death solves all problems. No man, no problems.” - Josef Stalin

Again, if you find this morbid, I apologize, but death shouldn’t be gloomy. That’s an artifact of our Western society. Death is really just another part of the grand scheme of things. If you find this post self-indulgent, of course it is. It’s my BLOG.

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