since approx becoming a dad I keep asking “why is life so hard now¹, and can I do it better?” and one answer that’s formed in my mind is “yeah I absolutely can, I just have to keep all the tanks full.”

imagine I’m a fancy sports car². I have all sorts of tanks: gas, oil, uh windshield wiper fluid, engine coolant, transmission fluid, there are probably a lot of others³. Everyone does, but some people are like beat up 2007 Toyotas and they can run just fine with low oil and old transmission fluid, but I need everything to be in perfect condition. One high maintenance machine⁴.

It certainly feels like it! When I’m generally ok, I can handle all of this. when I’m not, well.

so what are all my tanks?

A non-exhaustive list that’s hopefully slightly more detailed than Maslow’s Hierarchy:

• food. downside is I eat a lot, upside is I don’t have allergies or anything.
  • meat might be a subset of this; I think I am healthier when I eat occasional meat than when I don’t
  • maybe kind of a lot of water
• exercise and movement
  • biking. I can’t really get myself to do anything else cardio-wise regularly and I get sad when I’m not on a bike
  • lifting? I haven’t ever really quit since I started so I don’t know how much I need this but it feels good
  • walking, stretching, and general movement. it’s true that sitting for 8 hours feels bad
• sleep. I don’t know what I need; I used to think 8-9 hours but maybe 7 is ok now?
• feeling connected with T
• nature, I think. this one is tough because I never feel like “I need nature more” but it seems to help
• sun, maybe? I don’t think I get SAD but I probably need sun so I try to get it whenever I can
• work with a purpose (but the purpose can be as small as “helping out a friend or acquaintance”)
• pop-culture dopamine. I have only a pop-culture understanding so when I say “dopamine” I mean “the little feeling of ‘ooh I got a thing’”. Sometimes I satisfy this with video games and it actually feels right, not like just numbing
• friends
  • 1-1 conversations with close friends
  • interactions with small groups of semi close friends
  • interactions with a wider world of mostly acquaintances, like a party or conference
  • meeting new people (may also be satisfied by the party/conference, or other ways)
  • social status. I need to feel high-status in at least some of these interactions
• puzzle solving (this may just be pop-culture dopamine + high status, not its own thing)
• not too much acute stress or interruption, even if it’s unimportant - e.g. I can get overwhelmed by getting texted too many times in an hour
• not too much chronic stress; this is harder to define but I notice if my job or marriage or house or whatever goes into a difficult phase
• alone time: an hour or two to myself, with no responsibilities, in a quiet environment each day
• (redacted)
• (redacted)

really?

I don’t know. I vacillate between:

• I can keep it together, if I manage all these things
• I could keep it together, if I could manage all these 20+ categories, but that’s not humanly possible
• this entire post is BS; what I need is unrelated, like “I need to stop trying so hard” or “I lack The Vitamin⁵” or something.