A friend coined this and it’s been such a useful concept that I keep referencing it, so it’s worth writing up.

Parent Math is all the micro calculations you make while you’re with your kid. Some examples:

• he isn’t eating much. has he eaten enough? should I try to convince him to eat more?
• I think he’s eaten enough but my wife doesn’t. should I try to convince her that it’s ok, or should I let her take over? maybe I can do the little food-airplane and get a few more bites in?
• I tried to put his shirt on, he yelled “I WANNA DO IT!” do I fight with him and do it myself, frustrating his autonomy drive? do I let him do it, demonstrating that yelling lets him get his way? uh, I guess I’ll say “please ask me nicely.” ok, he’s distracted and babbling some other nonsense. I tell him “say, ‘Dada please let me put my shirt on myself.'” he kinda murmurs “lem puh shirt dada” - do I force him to say “please”?
• I said “time to use the potty”, he said “no I don’t have to!” do I think he really doesn’t have to? he’s shown that he can’t reliably regulate himself in this way. should I try to force him to? but that will create negative associations with the potty. should I just let it drop? but then he’ll pee on the couch or something, we’ll have to wash it, and nothing will be learned.
• I said “please stop yelling”, he kept yelling. what do I do? do I grin and bear it, which shows that he can ignore me? do I just repeat it and pray it works a second time? we know “rewards and punishments don’t work”, only relevant consequences, so I’m not going to say “if you keep yelling you don’t get a cookie”. what could be a relevant consequence? do I say “I’m going to leave the room because you’re hurting my ears”? but does that trigger abandonment fears? maybe he needs me to just be calm and present. but I’m not sure if I can. and (30 sec pass) it doesn’t seem to be working.

I know this all sounds like overanxious parenting, but what’s the alternative? “Just do what feels natural, man”? Here’s what feels natural:

• if a stranger yells at me, yell right back and leave
• if an acquaintance yells at me, politely excuse myself and never talk to them again
• if a friend/family yells at me, have a heart to heart discussion, voicing my feelings etc, with them understanding that that hurt me. (or if they don’t, then they stop being my friend.)

Obviously none of these work with a kid! And there’s nothing that feels natural for “convince someone they have to pee”; that’s never really come up before. The closest thing might be a dog, and that’s not that hard; feed and walk them, and they regulate themselves better than toddlers!

What’s another alternative? Read one parenting book and follow all its advice? Ugh. (If you read multiple parenting books, you will find that they conflict!) Ask “what would mom and dad do?” (if you, like me, have a mom and dad you find worthy of emulation) Well, they would:

• not get so frazzled by it
• use humor or some other clever technique (all the Parent Math is trying to learn their clever techniques!)

Are there other alternatives?