Belle and Sebastian and The Knife and Justice and Staind

That’s been my last month… one part halcyon, one part straight out rocking and everything I hoped it could be, one part pounding and driving (in a good way!), and one little bit of boring sticking its face in the door at the end there.

I’d say it’s had its ups and downs, but really, it’s only had its ups. For like three weeks I was on fire! Firing on all pistons all the time! I wanted nothing more than to be doing whatever I was doing in five minutes (which means I was startlingly close, like five minutes away, from being pretty much enlightened all the time). I’ve said before I think I get manic depression without the “depression” part; if so, I just had a big bout of mania.

A few instances stick in my head. Exactly twice, I got this absolutely exhilarating feeling while I was biking to work down the hill in Schenley Park. It’s a pretty ride- a road through a golf course- and definitely the best commute I’ve ever had. It’s been lovely weather- not too hot, often cloudy (and I love my clouds). Plus, I was going downhill, which is always nice. Anyway, I felt ACTUALLY THERE, I just was absorbing all the outside color, and I was listening to great music, so I was soaking that in too, and it was so euphoric my eyes just started tearing up and I couldn’t even pedal, I just coasted, loving the moment. I mean, it was orgasmic, in a sense, or like the high points of mushrooms (would hypothetically be if I had ever tried them). I also felt like “maybe this is it; this is what nirvana is like; this is what those monks who meditate their whole lives always feel like.”

All the same, I figured I’d be more enlightened, on the whole. Why? I dunno, because I spent a semester in Europe? (Note to spiritual seekers: you won’t find it studying in Europe. The typical study abroad is a glorified five-month vacation with classes sometimes.) Because it was foreign? Because I hung out with stoners? I dunno why I thought I’d change in big ways from just one semester. But I felt good, in Europe, and at home, and here again. I felt like life made sense, and yeah, it’s uncertain, but I’ll do fine. Don’t worry. You can do whatever you want.

So what’s wrong? Well, the edge is wearing off; I’m getting a little bored with my work; waking up in the morning isn’t so easy anymore. The biggest thing is that I’m still the same old me, neurotic and mostly Western. I worry a lot. I’m not at ease, even with my friends. I know what I should be doing (focus on others, not be full of myself), but I don’t have the presence of mind to do it. And the more you worry, the more you’re concentrating on yourself, and it’s a spiral into your own goddamn belly button. So I’ll stop talking about it now!

To remind myself: thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.


Gerrit -


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