You’d think I’d learn by now. This happens every semester. I come home and, all of a sudden, there are no emails anymore. I still sit checking it every four minutes, but nothing ever arrives. To compensate, I employ a steady rotation of checking other websites, blogging, and eating a lot (mostly cereal). This leaves me feeling like hell most of the time. Wait a minute, I have to go check my email.

Umm, still nothing. This makes me cry out for some sort of human contact, like “Hello world, where are your souls on a Wednesday night? Perhaps I can find another person by checking Facebook again. Maybe someone has written something witty on someone else’s wall, and that little touch of humanity will tide me over until the morning.”

Ooh, naw, hey, maybe I can blame this on the suburbs! Because, of course, once you get here your soul gets sucked out. (they send it to Champps Sports Bar, where it makes a nice dipping sauce for crappy chicken wings.) And “ooh naw hey” sounds like a hippie chant OR a vocal warm-up exercise.

Still no email.