I found myself meeting lots of fun people, in a cool setting, drinking a tasty drink (that included Zwack Unicum!) and yet not having a good time. This was cause for a bit of self-questioning.
I emerged from the bout of questioning moments later with a simple answer: I’m homesick. I mean, of course I miss many particular people. (if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them.) I knew I would. But I also miss the feeling of being home, you know, of being with family or friends or people around whom you can be yourself. Where you can make an inside joke (because really, friendship is nothing but inside jokes, but that’s another conversation). Where you don’t have to start every conversation with “what’s your name?” Where you can say, hey, it’s Friday night, I would like to do a fun thing with people I love, and then go do it.
I guess I’m more homesick than I was in Maastricht, because we all knew that was temporary. Most of my friends would still be there when I got back. I would still be home when I got back. And even at CMU, I was still only a couple hours from home. Okay, that was tougher. But still, there was a community set up for me; it just took some time for me to adjust to it.
This is a whole new thing on two levels: I’m not going back home, and I have to make the community for myself. Huh! That’s a double whammy.
But still, I’m just homesick. Oh! Okay. Well, if that’s all it is. In a sense, knowing that (or even, becoming mindful of it) makes it easier. In another sense, it doesn’t, because there’s still that issue that it doesn’t end until I create a new community for myself.
Here’s how I would like the state of my mind to be:
*humm* mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness *humm* so I’m not constantly surrounded by friends, so what? that’s okay. *humm*
and it is that way sometimes, but not always.
Anyway, as we’re jumping around, I agree with Rolf Potts in this interview.
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