Urgh okay I want to write a post about “can we get rid of so-called objectivity in cases of taste and see what happens?” and furthermore “can we get rid of morality and see what happens?”, but that is kind of heavy, so instead I’ll point out a few things that are really pleasantly droll about our Most Favorite of Favorite Days.
1. Stockings. Okay, first of all, hanging up your sock to get presents has always been kind of silly, but okay, whatever. But we don’t even use real stockings, we use these fake things that are way bigger than feet and have a Santa stitched on them.
2. “Santa exists” jokes. Santa Claus might be the biggest and best secular meme. How did we, as a society, all manage to play the exact same trick on our kids? It wouldn’t even work if we all played different tricks. Somehow we’ve all agreed that this red-suited dude is Santa and that is that. I guess, once we’ve taken the work to establish this, we adults might as well milk this joke for all it’s worth. Well, it’s only marginally more annoying than talking about the weather.
3. Quirinius. I can imagine Quirinius being next in line to be governor of Syria.
Quirinius: but father I don’t want to be governor!
His Dad: shut up I want this family to be famous for all time.
Quirinius: but we’ll all be forgotten anyway!
Dad: no, the prophecy says that you will be remembered for thousands of years. I wonder how. That reminds me, you’ve got to get to work fighting those Marmaridae. That will probably be what makes you famous. Or maybe your campaign against the Homonadenses. Perhaps you should concentrate on rectoring Gaius Caesar; when he is emperor, he’ll surely reward you kindly.
Quirinius: I dunno, those all seem so meaningless. I feel like I’ll probably just be a footnote in history.
Dad: Son, if that’s how you feel, you should get to work being the best footnote in history you can.
(75 to 100 years pass)
Dead Quirinius: booyah!
4. For some reason, my grandma can’t find Wintergreen Lifesavers in Florida. Those are like The Lifesavers. That’s like saying you can find pizzas but no red sauce: possible, but what kind of weird world exists in Florida?
5. Ded Moroz. Why are we stuck with fat ol' Santa instead of this badass?
6. “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays”: why is this an issue? “Christmas” fanatics: regardless of what you think about Christianity and state celebrations etc, “Happy Holidays” might just mean “Happy Christmas And New Year’s.” “Holidays” fanatics: Christmas is kind of cultural, it’s a holiday, it’s not a day of hating on anyone, so don’t worry about it. And Hanukkah and Kwanzaa: this is so goofy! It’d be like if the US were run by Buddhists, and they decided to have Buddhaday, but it happened to be on the Feast Day of St. Stephen and Lars Ulrich’s birthday, so they celebrated Buddhaday, St. Stephen’s Day, and Ulrichday, to appeal to the majority Buddhists as well as the minority Christians and the Danish. Nevermind that most Christians are indifferent to St. Stephen, and Lars Ulrich is a clown.
But, ok, Christmahanukwanza jokes are about as funny as airline food, so let’s move on.
7. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: “Santa Baby” is a goddamn ridiculous song, but at least if you accept one conceit (Santa is a sexy desirable man) it makes sense. To be able to reconcile “ISMKSC” with our world, we’d have to accept that: A. Santa is a sexy desirable man, B. he’s makin' out with random ladies after sneaking into their houses, and C. seeing your mom smoochin' (and ticklin') another dude is not only acceptable, but also cute (nay, precious) enough to deserve a song on a Mitch Miller album.
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