a tiktok about SF home searching

(read this in the voice of one of those quick-cut videos)

“two bedrooms! ok, cool. so here’s bedroom number 1, and … oh, I see, bedroom 2 is if you just turned the living room into a bedroom, and then you wouldn’t have a living room, but yeah I’m sure that’d be fine”

“wow, ok, newly renovated, granite countertops, great”

“three bedrooms! ok, so here’s bedroom number 1, and bedroom 2, and … oh yeah this 6x8' room could be considered a bedroom but it’s more like a walk-in closet, ok”

“well ok that tiny room would work for our cat, he likes to sleep somewhere enclosed at night, otherwise he gets lou– I mean uh nah he just likes to be somewhere small, he’s so sweet, never a problem at all”

“yeah these granite countertops are really, uh, nice. and these stainless steel appliances! yes, I care what color my appliances are.”

“oh great, it’s got bike storage! ok, yeah, can we go see it? yeah, I’m sure it’s great, but I just want to see it, yeah. yeah, just downstairs, sure, ok, … oh I see there’s one dinky bike rack crammed full of bikes, so there’s, uh, not really bike storage, is there? haha, sure, it’s cool, I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“oh the bike storage is in this locked room? and you don’t have a key? ok, sure, I’m sure it’s good. do you … have to reserve spaces? oh, you do? ok, glad I checked, and then, can I get it in writing that there will be two spaces reserved for us? because we are, like, two people, and haha we both have a bike! I know, how crazy. oh, there’s only one space reserved. so you actually have half bike storage, kinda like if you had rented me a parking spot but only one of us was allowed to drive the car, huh? hahaha! that would be so crazy. anyway while we’re down here is there anywhere I could store my amontillado cask”

“yeah, the construction next door that’s kinda spilling into your property. they said it’d be done in 6 months? and… when do they start every morning? and… uh yeah no I’m sure they’ll be done ahead of schedule, of course”

“granite countertops. it’s like that’s the cheapest way to say you “renovated” and make your place look fancy and modern, isn’t it? haha! stainless steel appliances.”

“oh, it was formerly a hair salon? haha, that’s funny! well, that’s neat, that explains why the layout is a little weird, and why one of the bedrooms is 8 feet wide, and why there’s no windows in the living room, and literally zero closets, ok it’s … $5000 a month?”

“can I ask you some questions? oh, you … know literally nothing about this place? do you work for the rental company? no? … how did you get the keys here?”

“1300 square feet! that’s great. hmm, but when we saw it, it seemed smaller than that. can you send us measurements of each room? just so we can, you know, plan where we’d put our furniture. oh wait, when I add up these numbers of room dimensions, it’s like, 900-some. oh, you mean it’s only 970 square feet? so you, basically, lied. or, more likely, made a pretty negligent mistake. your day job is as a realtor? anyway, yes, we’ll still take it.”

“in the lease here, you said “there’s no extra storage allowed” but you did tell us there’s bike storage, right? so, I don’t know, maybe it should go there! oh, you don’t want to, well, ok, that’s fine.”

“it says, tenant must pay with electronic payment, no checks. ok, so you’ve got a website that processes it, right? no? oh, paypal then? also no?… what do you mean, ‘just have my bank send an electronic payment’? do you want a wire transfer each month? look, in our backwards-ass country there is no other electronic payment unless your bank happens to offer that service to customers of the same bank and I open an account at your bank and that is an insane thing to ask a tenant to do. I mean, haha, yes of course I’ll do it.”

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