Parenting is still a challenge.

sleep (training?)

At 3 months, he slept pretty well: one 6-7 hour block, plus a little more after. At 5-6 months, he got worse, and would wake up multiple times a night. We finally realized, despite our night doulas' claims, that he wasn’t just going to magically get better, so we’re trying “sleep training.”

This means a million things to a million people. We’re doing Ferber-ish method? Meaning:

• gradually try to get him to stop feeding at night
• more routine at bedtime (feed, book, bath, bed)
• when he wakes up, give him more time to try to get himself back to sleep
• if we have to go soothe him, we don’t pick him up

Depending on your mental model of what’s going on here, we’re either smart or monstrous. My model is: “like breathing normally or unclenching his limbs, he doesn’t know how to do this thing yet, and we can’t really teach him, all we can do is give him the space to learn, so that’s what we’re doing.”

Is it working? well after about a week and a half he’s mostly back to one 6-7hr block + a little more later. so back to 3mo levels. uhh good job I guess

The worst part about this is that everyone has opinions and they’re contradictory and I have no idea whose to believe or why. Like, these all sound reasonable:

• you don’t even need to change his diaper all night, he can survive, and changing his diaper will wake him up too much thereby messing up his ability to learn to sleep
• of course you need to change his diaper, sitting in that all night is gross
• feed him right before bed so he has enough fuel to last until morning
• don’t feed him right before bed, his stomach will be uncomfortably full
• 6mo kids don’t need to eat all night
• feeding him at night will make him associate bottle with comfort, which we don’t want
• hell, adults have a hard time going 12hr without food, why should we expect babies to?
• he should take 2 naps a day at this age
• he should take 1 nap a day at this age
• sleeping 6 + 2 hr is great! better than he was
• he can sleep 10-12 hours straight, don’t give up
• different kids need different amounts of sleep, maybe 8hr is all he does

World’s worst printer, and we have to wait a month to see if our debugging “worked.”

food

he can eat solid foods sorta! that’s fun! he’s adventurous and likes everything, that’s awesome!

and I can’t stand feeding him. he creates such a mess that it triggers a disgust response - it’s like how if I see one ant, it’s cool, but if I see a whole pile of ants I just instinctively shudder. a little mess is fine, but covering himself and his chair entirely with his food is awful

what’s this, a new parenting challenge appeared. why can’t any of these be easy

tgim

work is such a godsend these days, and that’s weird. Not that weird, because it’s objectively a pretty good job: I like my team, usually I’m getting things done pretty effectively, I have support and respect, my hours are flexible, and the pay is pretty good. Still, I’ve never had a time when my weekdays were better than my weekends, or where I’d work 7 days a week if I could. (and it’s not like, “10x! killing it! grindset!” it’s just that weeks are better than weekends.)

self-{compassion | pity}

I spend a bunch of time in this state, and I can’t tell if it’s helping or hurting. Like, I break down crying sorta randomly, maybe twice a week, because woe is me etc. Is this helping move forward the process of adjusting to my life, when I really Feel My Feelings? or am I wallowing and oughta just pick myself up and deal with it?

wheel of antidepressants

well, they’re worth a try, but they’re not doing much¹. Tried Lexapro and Wellbutrin, now on to Effexor. I’m torn between “who knows, maybe I’m just doing it wrong” and “y’all, I don’t have a ‘mysterious brain chemical’ issue, it’s just that life got a whole lot more difficult.” If I were trying to take drugs to feel better despite life getting harder, but I was using different drugs, my friends and family would be staging an intervention.

The worst part about this is that everyone has opinions and they’re contradictory and I have no idea whose to believe or why. Like, these all sound reasonable:

• I just haven’t found the right drug yet
• SSRIs/SNRIs/first line antidepressants won’t work for me, but weirder stuff will
• none of this will work for me
• me don’t have a brain problem, me have a soul/life/meaning problem
• this is a phase and will come and go
• this is my new normal, I better figure out my meds
• psychedelics are what will actually work for me
• nah those are just a “helicopter up the mountain”, I’ve gotten all you can out of it, more helicopter rides won’t help

I’m the world’s worst printer, and I have to wait a month to see if my debugging “worked.”