One big question in my life for the last two years1 has been: my life is so good, so why am I so mad?
I keep trying stuff, as much as I can. I can’t say I’m an incredible Tim Ferriss self-experimenter, but I’ve been in and out of meditation, therapy, medicine both conventional and unconventional, exercise, philosophy, movement, heck even starting a family. There’s been benefits: like, I’m glad I lift weights now, it makes life 10% easier2. But 10% easier takes you from “baseline -5” to “baseline -4.5”, and that’s … not enough. There’s also been explored search spaces: for example, the whole “trauma” story3 doesn’t really help me, but now I know that.
But… what’s going on, if all that hasn’t helped?
One thing I notice: the default loop of my mind is “find something that’s wrong.” When I’m not really focusing on guiding my thoughts, I’ll keep noticing problems (ideally fixing them but usually just spinning). What if it wasn’t like that? Like, what if I default went to “what’s good about the present moment?”
That feels both plausible (I’ve never really changed this) and powerful enough (attention is all you need). This feels like what neuroscientists and airport psychology books call the “default mode network” and what Buddhists call tanha4.
It also feels impossible. Like, that event loop is running 1000 times a minute. If I notice, maybe I can turn one of those from negative to positive, which leaves 999 left. Then the next minute, I’ve got 1000 negative again.
On the other hand, according to a reliable source (someone on twitter), the distance between a life worth living and wanting to die really is, like, one minor amusement a day.5 I’m working with someone right now who’s convinced this shift is very possible, and I mostly believe her. The shift may not be direct: you don’t change those 1000/minute by wrenching one grumpy moment into a smile, then another, etc. … I’ll update if I figure it out.
really the last 15 years, but especially strongly since baby ↩︎
especially with a kid! hoo boy I would absolutely tell anyone having a kid to get strong first, it helps a lot. ↩︎
by “the trauma story” I mean “all your problems are a result of childhood trauma.” This is obviously true for some people, but it’s probably non-obviously true for some others, and I guess I thought maybe I was in that latter class? But after lots of exploration, now I’m pretty sure I’m not. ↩︎
“tanha” - “the fast grabby feeling” - that feeling that constantly goes “life is not ok right now.” Leads to dukkha - “suffering” or “hard to bear-ness.” Not super confident, IANAB ↩︎
tweet says: “i love the “never kill yourself” genre bc it captures the slippery truth that the distance between a life worth living and wanting to die really is, like, one minor amusement a day. that’s why it’s imperative to go outside and look at things and try to like them.” It’s quoting a tweet that says “snowing in new york. deli had Hello Kitty toilet paper. Demi Moore has a Golden Globe. never kill yourself.” ↩︎
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