the principle

When my dad had cancer, he had a few operations over the years. His doctors would send him home with opioids and tell him not to be too hesitant about taking them. They told him to “stay ahead of the pain”: that if he took them when he still felt ok, he’d continue feeling ok; if he waited until he felt awful, it was a lot harder to take enough painkillers to stop feeling awful again.¹

the pain

We recently had a little fender bender. Even “fender bender” overstates it; it was literally a “fender-paint-scraper.” On our end, we will fix it with a $20 car paint kit, a 1/4" paint brush, and about 10 minutes of work; the other guy could do the same. However, we gave him our information anyway and said “sure, have your car guy look at it, whatever” as we are Doing the Right Thing.

He came back with an estimate for $1200 and a week of a car rental.

This enrages me:

1. I’m mad at the guy for not just letting it go.
2. I’m mad at his shop for not saying “we filled in the paint, that will be $20.”
3. I’m mad that cars are so fragile.
4. I’m mad that we live in cities that ~demand we drive cars.
5. But heck why are people are so precious about their cars that they don’t just let this go.
6. And I’m mad that fixing anything as tiny as a paint scrape involves consulting Professionals who never just say “don’t worry about it.”
7. But shoot, maybe they’re right to get worked up about it because maybe this scrape would lead to rust and worse and so on if left unchecked and maybe my little paint kit will wear off in 5 years and so on.
8. I never wanted any part of this, but we don’t really have a way to get away from these machines that are so fragile that one little mistake can have such dire consequences. Where can you feasibly live without one? In the three metro areas that have public transit (and an average house price of twelve zillion dollars)?
9. Augh but this would be much easier if this guy wasn’t such a precious twit. It’s a Jeep, which is the least reliable brand of car; therefore, this guy’s a dumbass who probably bought a huge ass car in order to feel big on the road
10. And his stupid car shop. He probably said “ha ha, we got some sucker on the hook, or their insurance company, run up the bill!” and the mechanic said “yeah, let’s get em!” and this kind of “not my problem” thinking is the problem with the world today!
11. And and and…

You see. I’m only actually mad at four things, but spending any time thinking about them gets me endlessly worked up, cycling through them in a tornado of more and more frustration and anguish.

staying ahead of it

There is no fix to this. We are going to be out $1200, one way or another (either we pay the guy, or our insurance company pays him, we pay a $1000 deductible, and then they raise our rates by $100/month forever). This is unfair and stupid; we made a $20 mistake, we should pay $20. Thinking about this traps me in the Injustice Quicksand.

Though, emotionally, there is a fix to this: we can afford it! We can just absorb this loss and not think twice. Sometimes my accountant will say “you should pay $1200 in taxes this quarter” and I shrug and say ok; how is this any different? In fact, sometimes good fortune gives me $1200 or more² I can float above this on the Cloud of Overall Fortune.

When I first realized we were going to have a $1200 problem, I floated above it on the Cloud of Overall Fortune: I was in an interesting conversation with some new friends, life was exciting and good, and this wasn’t going to get me down. But in the middle of the night, I woke up and somehow my thoughts drifted over to the Injustice Quicksand.

Luckily I realized there is no way out of the Injustice Quicksand from within the Injustice Quicksand. Once you’re in the pain, it’s so hard to take enough painkillers to get out of it. All you can do is stay ahead of it next time. Fill your life with enough joy, perspective, and gratitude that you don’t fall in in the first place.

This is true in relationships too: once you’re in a local pit of Injustice Quicksand about your partner it’s so hard to climb out. Much easier to boost your general feeling about your partner so that you always float above these on the Cloud of Overall Fortune. Seek reasons to brag, instead of fairness.

and if you do fall in

I think quicksand is a great metaphor, because all you can do is wait to get out. Put it aside, do something else. Build up your Cloud of Overall Fortune: do something that feels physically good, get into your body. Or at least go write a blog post instead of lying in bed seething.